[Quora] What If Chetan Bhagat Wrote The Harry Potter Series
I was randomly going through Quora.com and Just found Something that caught my attention
Epic question on Quora: What if Chetan Bhagat wrote the Harry Potter series?
Here’s writer Karan Atree’s epic answer:
Chetan Bhagat, contrary to most Quorans’ beliefs, would do a much better job writing the magical journey of Harry Potter than most authors even JKR. He possesses immense talent and a flair for well… drama. Lets see book by book how CB would’ve penned this marvelous series.
1) 9¾ point someone
Harry Patel, an 11 year old boy belonging to the general category, lives with his ST cousins the Dalals.
He wanted to get into the prestigious local school but his family didn’t pay for his coaching classes. They however sent their prize idiot of a son for coaching, and hence Harry had to secretly borrow his cousin’s books at night time to study for the upcoming exams.
Dudley ends up getting the minimum marks, but because of reservation gets a good seat in a prestigious school. Harry sadly gets no seat despite his not-so-bad performance.
Just when things seem to be going downhill for our man Harry, a 5’11” giant comes waltzing into the story, telling Harry that before his parents died, they bought a seat for Harry in the nearby school of Magic. God bless management quota!
Harry excitedly and with huge expectations goes to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry where he learns that he’s famous! His parents topped the JEE exams :O. (and Harry killed the Dark Lord, but that’s not really important).
Harry enjoys his life at Hogwarts, studying by day and studying by night, making friends and enemies alike. He meets Ron, Hermione and many many other interesting people.
His teachers include the world renowned Professor Dumbledore, the man who discovered the twelve laws of electromagnetic induction.
Harry learns that Voldemort, the Dark Lord, is going to steal the next year’s entrance paper and so Harry, along with his friends, goes on a quest to beat him.
The trio face a lot of hurdles, including Professor Snape, who was rumored to have helped the Dark lord cheat in one of his exams.
After a series of questions in Physics, Chemistry and Math, Harry and his friends emerge victorious and vanquish the Dark Lord.
2) One night at the Chamber of Secrets.
Harry would spend his summer vacation studying at his pal Ronald’s house. Tutored by the mega nerds Fred and George, Harry prepares to tackle the second year with full force, mugging up his course beforehand.
A malfunction happens on the IRCTC website and thus Harry and Ron miss their train. They decide to take the flying car but cannot afford filling the entire fuel tank.
The car drops midair into a tree which beats the living crap out of the two, but more importantly rips apart all their study books. The car barely escapes and runs away into the forest.
Ron gets a howler from his mother complaining about how expensive the car was, then joked that his dad would face an inquiry in the government.
The school faces attacks on nerds, seemingly from a monster emerging from the Chamber of Secrets.
The monster, rumored to be a drop-out, attacks several ten pointers then takes Ron’s sister with it inside the hidden chamber.
Harry and Ron follow the graffiti into the bad section of school, where good students rarely enter, and discover the chamber.
Harry meets the young Dark Lord, who is revealed to be a former ten pointer himself. After getting only an MRC placement despite his brilliance, the young lord went on a path of lawlessness and procrastination.
Harry saves young Ginny, exchanges a couple of sickeningly romantic dialogues with her and emerges out once again, the hero.
For their efforts, the boys get 20 marks apiece in the upcoming semester exams.
3) The three Muggles in my life.
The third year of school begins and Harry plans to ask out his best friend’s sister. But since he cannot get the courage, he settles for the foreign exchange student Cho Chauhan.
Harry learns that a multiple failure is on the loose, and hence the school needs to be guarded by the police hawaldaars.
Being a prize wimp, Harry faints at the sight of one of these heavily mustached, pot belied officers.
Harry is taught by professor Lupin, who becomes his favorite since the good professor promises to take extra lessons exclusively for Harry.
He wins the inter house cricket competition scoring a six of the last ball and is praised by everyone. Harry also sneaks into the local village and has booze with his friends.
He learns that the escaped felon, Sirius Bhai, was in fact his parent’s best friend but betrayed the location of his parents to the Dark Lord.
The trio make a a ludicrous plot to reverse time and catch Sirius Bhai.
They confront him in the studying shack where it is revealed that Lupin and Sirius are were best friends.
They both explain to Harry some rat betrayed his parents which Harry believes because he’s a naive little boy.
The said rat evolves into a human and escapes the clutches of the Hawaldaars and runs back to his master.
It is revealed that Lupin was a Goonda and hence resigns to avoid passing his hooliganism to the students.
4) Two debates
Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys go to see the cricket world cup finals in which Pakistan beats India. Angry Indian fans destroy the stadium and start throwing stones at their national players.
Some idiot shouts a racial comment thereby causing widespread panic and even more riots.
Religious communities prepare to fight, and are eventually pacified by the government promising further reservations.
Harry goes back to school and discovers that the Triwinerd Tournament is going to take place.
Since the task requires proficiency in Physics, Chemistry and Math, only the seniors are allowed to take part.
Harry, wanting to impress Cho, enters his name nevertheless. The govt, plagued by inefficiency and corruption, selects Harry’s name as the representative from Hogwarts.
The other champions include a local cricketing star and this really hot nerd chick.
Round one, Harry learns, is going to be Physics and hence the trio spend all their time mugging up derivations in the library.
Harry does a fairly good job with the physics paper and gets a clue to the second round.
He cheats and and finds out that its chemistry. Being extremely weak in chem, Harry freaks out and spends many a sleepless night worrying about the upcoming exam.
The school servant comes to Harry’s aid providing him pharras for the exam. Harry to impress the hot chick shares his pharras with her.
He spends many long nights with the hot nerd but due to excessive competition, they have a falling out.
The last round is math, which Harry prepares for day and night. Fueled by the desire to win, Harry takes coaching from his friends and his teachers.
Exam day Harry learns that its a math themed treasure hunt. As he reaches the final clue, he bumps into the Dark Lord once again. The dark lord magnanimously kills off Harry’s competition and turn to kill Harry.
Escaping with his life intact, Harry comes back all shaken and proclaims the Dark lord is back.
5) Revolution of the Phoenix
Harry learns that the government isn’t agreeing with his claims and hence joins the opposition party led by Prof. Dumbledore.
He is beaten up by two Hawaldaars and is almost expelled from school.
Harry goes back to school facing the board exams next year. He rapidly begins preparing and mugging up, taking correspondence courses from the Dumstrang and Beauxbatons schools.
One of his professor is a former govt school teacher ,who sucks and cannot teach for shit.
Harry clashes with her regularly when he points out her mistakes. Consequently she beats Harry with her metal scale and takes away his cricket bat.
Harry enraged, embarks on a journey to foil the govt’s plans and opens his own unlicensed tuition center right inside the school.
He finally woos Cho after she realizes what a brilliant teacher he is. They kiss and all.
Cho’s friend gets jealous and blabs it out to the professor who shuts down the whole operation and is just about to expel Harry when Dumbledore steps in and takes blame.
Meanwhile super nerds Fred and George decide to drop out and develop their own start-up. They taunt the govt professor and escape school with their cricket bats in tow.
Harry gives his boards but in the his sixth subject exam falls asleep and has some baba-tantric dream about Sirius Bhai being kidnapped.
Meanwhile Sirius is defying the Dark Lord saying Mere Harry Ron aayengay.
Harry takes the metro to the ministry and saves his godfather Bollywood style beating 20 death-eaters with a single wand.
The dark lord himself comes and kills Sirius. Harry duels the Lord and is saved once again by Dumbledore.
6) Chai Pohe
Harry goes back to school joining the accelerated program to study for the upcoming JEE exams.
He discovers sex, and does it all day with Cho.
He sees Ginny, his original crush,going out with someone else and gets extremely jealous. He orchestrates an elaborate plan to separate the two.
Meanwhile Ron and Hermione start doing it, then stop doing it, then do it with each other and get back together. No one really understands what happens between them.
Professor Dumbledore takes Harry on tours showing him the Dark Lord’s past, which bores the pants off Harry.
Harry finds an old guide book and becomes extremely good at his subjects. The book is alter revealed to be written by one of the professors himself.
Harry becomes the new cricket captain of his house but is banned from playing after receiving one too many yellow cards.
Ginny wins the tournament and Harry automatically falls in love with her. He kisses her and they start doing it too.
Worried Harry is deviating from his studies, Prof Dumbledore arranges extra lessons for Harry with professor Snape.
Eventually they learn the dark lord divided his knowledge among seven books, and go on a quest to destroy them.
Prof Dumbledore is killed by a jealous student who despises the favoritism shown to Harry.
7) The Deadly Haloalkanes
Harry begins his year by attending the wedding of his best friend’s brother. While dancing in the baraat, he is attacked by goondas of the Dark Lord and has to escape with his two friends.
Tired of being attacked, Harry drops out and embraces the thug life.
He continues his quest of destroying the remaining 4 books of the dark lord.
After destroying one, Ron leaves the group since he remembers the JEE exams are only a few months away. He also suspects Hermione is cheating with Harry.
Harry and Hermione meanwhile try to find the remaining three books. They however continue studying for the upcoming IIT exams too.
An extremely frustrated Ron comes back to clear some doubts and for some TLC.
They find the remaining books in the Dark Lord’s tijori. Elated, they run away with the books but with nowhere to go, return back to school.
The Dark Lord, fearing his knowledge and short cut tips would be freely distributed among the students,turns up with his band of goondas to ransack the school and kill Harry once and for all.
Harry gets killed in the fight and the Dark Lord wins.
But wait, this ending sucks. So Harry comes back alive to fight the Dark Lord in a final battle (this shall be further explained in the movie).
This time Chetan Bhagat manages to write a decent ending, killing the evil dude and ensuring harry passes the JEE.
Nineteen years later
Harry, Ron and Hermione become successful engineers, getting placements in Facebook, Google and Apple. They decide to send their own children to Hogwarts thus continuing the tradition of engineers in their families.
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